Guilt-Free Domesticity

I've been trying to make this post all day. But I keep devolving into a history of domesticity and home economics and socio-sexual / gender politics / feminist themes... which is not at all what I want to talk about.

No, what I want to talk about is my domesticity... and my family's. Because I don't think, at its core, being domestic is a woman thing or a girl thing. It's a HOME thing. It's about doing the work that makes a home and family run. It's about the sphere of our domiscile, apart from our social spheres or spiritual spheres or work spheres. It's not about one sphere belonging to only one gender or any of that. It's not about guilt or the right way to be.

I grew up in a very domestic environment. My parents totally missed the labor outsourcing push of the 70s and 80s and kept doing almost everything by and for themselves, even when they could afford to do otherwise. They gardened and did their own yard work. They fixed things around the house. My father took care of the cars and did basic maintenance. He built stuff (including a vacation cabin by hand). My mom cooked, and canned, and sewed, and knitted. Our home was the center of our lives when I was growing up and we all spent a lot of time there. Despite jobs outside the home (and my mom worked too, once I was in school) we generally spent our time and energy at home.

I may not have always had a perfect relationship with my parents (oh, the teenage years!) but I did have a good relationship with our home. For years even after I moved out to go to college and in with my now husband, my parents' house was this perfect, luxurious haven. One of the biggest signs of growing up was when their house turned into a place to go stay at when you visit relatives, with uncomfortable beds and unfamiliar food. When, to put it bluntly, the place I was actually living became home.

The truth is that I was not very domestic growing up. I learning a bit of sewing and knitting. I did needle point as an on-again off-again hobby. But I resisted learning to cook and wasn't interested in the work that went into the house... just the results. I was particularly not a fan of cleaning. I certainly never took a home ec. class!

But that early training obviously had an effect. Because my husband and I are very domestic indeed. And while we do like having a nice and comfortable place to live, I tend to like domestic activities for their own sake. I really do enjoy sewing, knitting, baking, and so on. I still don't like cleaning, but I've tried to take my husband's perspective -- we may not like cleaning, but we like it when it's clean. So it's worth doing for that purpose alone and we can take a certain pride and enjoyment for that reason. That's how I feel about baking -- that it's worthwhile for its own sake. Even if I could buy a better looking and better tasting pie at the European bakery. Even if I have the money to do that. Baking the pie myself, from scratch, is a worthwhile pursuit in its own right.

There's an emotional element to this as well I think. When we cook for our little girl (and by we, I mean my husband) she often asks, "did you put love in it?" And we always say yes... because you know, we do. Takeout from the BBQ place might be delicious. It might be worthwhile because we'd never BBQ a brisket at home. But it's not the same as "putting love into it." When you do stuff for yourself and for your family and for your home love goes into it.

However, I'm also very practical about this aspect of my life. We're not Martha Stewart. We're not really into decorating for decorating's sake. I'm not about throwing the perfect party with perfect flowers and perfect linens and the perfect decorations for each and every holiday. I'm much more casual than that. I'm about the house being comfortable and practical and not ugly (I hope). I'm about feeding people good food and not sweating the small stuff.

You notice that I've been saying both "we" and "I." That's because, while this is my post about my thoughts, domesticity is our house is a gender-neutral activity that we all take part in. Because it's OUR house that we all take care of. And taking care of our home tied neatly into taking care of each other as a family.

I also really enjoy domesticity's associated themes of sustainability and ecology. Fixing things yourself, growing and making your own food, mending things instead of buying new. Not that we do all of that right now (no garden) but I still appreciate the idea of it. I also realize that part of the reason I enjoy tasks like mending clothes or baking bread is that no one is forcing me to do it. I have to admit that my mom did all this house stuff, but sometimes didn't seem to enjoy it much. She put too much pressure on herself about some things. I try to take a different view. I do it as much as I like it and then put it aside without guilt when it becomes stressful or unpleasant. Beyond the basics necessary to keep the house running (like cleaning up) everything else is optional -- to be done for joy and love, not out of obligation. That's critical for me as I balance my career with my family and home life.

It's not that I don't want to go anywhere and do anything... it's just that I really love being at home. I love hanging out with my family, doing things together or different things near each other. I love taking pleasure in the place we live (and I've gotten quite skilled at doing that regardless of what that place is like). I like making home the center of social stuff as well. I like when friends come over to hang out. And we love feeding people.

In fact, my domestic nature is closely tied to my concept of prosperity. When I picture prosperity I often think of farms and homesteads. Estates filled with animals and children with a big kitchen and a kitchen garden. I imagine friends coming to stay and pitch in and make the household run. You might say that prosperity isn't my goal so much as a prosperous household.

This focus on home has stayed with me no matter where we've moved. It's almost like being a snail, carrying the idea of home with us as we go. And I like that. And it works for me. And I won't be ashamed for being domestic.